Monday, July 30, 2007

Monday's psalm and some mostly incoherent thoughts

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. 3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. Psalm 1: 1-3 NIV

This discussion is in no way meant to convict others, but I am convicted of recently being a little too self-obsessed. I am spending too much time thinking, not even about building a family and loving a child, but about the status of my reproductive system and my current emotions. In doing so, I am missing opportunities to really be "present" to worship God, love my family and friends, and serve my neighbors.

I am also aware recently of being too much of a "consumer." Not just in the usual sense of the word as buyer or shopper (though I am doing too much of that) but in the sense of taking things in and not producing anything. I'm consuming too many calories, reading on the internet, reading magazines, reading books, watching television and movies, listening to music, etc. In fact, I'm often doing at least two of those things at once. I'm taking in all of that but not doing, writing, speaking, singing, walking, creating, praying nearly enough to balance all of that out. Does that make sense?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

A Psalm for Tuesday

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in Your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on Your promises. Hear my voice in accordance with Your love; renew my life, O Lord, according to Your laws....Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten Your law. Defend my cause and redeem me, renew my life according to Your promise....I rejoice in Your promise like one who finds great spoil....May my cry come before You, O Lord; give me understanding according to Your word. May my supplication come before You; deliver me according to Your promise.
Psalm 119:147-149, 153-154, 162, 169-170 NIV

Monday, July 16, 2007

1001 excuses to postpone eating healthy and exercising

Well, maybe not 1001. If I wrote that many, I may have to put down the pint of Blue Bell Cookie Dough ice cream I'm eating. I could stand to lose about 30 pounds. I still think of myself as someone who is into yoga--even though I haven't been to a class in over a year. I also used to be a runner. Now, instead of wearing out running shoes, I'm wearing out my remote, my laptop, and the upholstery on my couch.

General excuses:

It's my grandmother's birthday. There will be cake.

My mother in law brought us ice cream and candy for movie night and there's some leftover.

There's leftover pizza in the fridge, and it would be wasteful not to eat it. (Ok, I guess I have some leftover issues)

I need to make a grocery list, go to the store, and buy some healthy food.

I need to clean out my refrigerator in order to fit all the healthy food.

I deserve comfort food because of insert complaint here.

Cycle related:

I don't want to shock my system and mess up insert cycle event here (ovulation, implantation, etc.).

If I get pregnant this cycle, I won't be able to diet anyway.

Both really poor excuses because eating healthy would probably help my fertility and, if I am so lucky, a pregnancy.

Feel free to add your own excuses to the list.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Warning, melodramatic rant ahead

Feeling low this evening and kind of angry. I'm just tired of wondering what I need to do differently in order to get pregnant. It sometimes seems like every small decision I make will affect my fertility. Should I start/stop taking this supplement? Should I drink/not drink this cup of coffee? Should I make vacation plans or wait and save the money? Should I try not to get my hopes up or should I think positively? It all seems to end in failure no matter what I do. Move the furniture in the bedroom to be more feng shui compliant (as my mother in law suggested)? Just relax *rolls eyes* and be patient, or make an appoinment with the doctor for tests? Arrrgh!!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Something I'm not proud of . . .

Ok, does everyone have that one couple that you feel like you are competing with? I absolutely cannot explain why, but I feel that way with this one couple we are friends with. We've been friends since we were all dating, and I just feel like I have to measure myself against them. Before we were engaged, I thought I would just die if they got engaged before we did--but they didn't. They don't live in town, but we are going to see them soon. We don't even know if they are trying, but I suspect. Now, I'm totally, irrationally worried that they are going to get pregnant before we do. I know that's so awful. What would that have to do with us? Why wouldn't I just be happy for them? Anyway, just thought I'd share that thorn in my side.

This is a song by Leigh Nash, formerly of Sixpence None the Richer. It's not really about trying to conceive, but it is about longing. Hope you enjoy.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

So, I've been living in approximately 29 day increments for almost the last year. Each cycle filled with hope, day dreaming, planning, and then agonizing, nail-biting, and finally disappointment. When I make future plans, like travel plans for a wedding months away, I think about how far along I will be if I get pregnant this cycle. Then I think, surely I'll be pregnant by then, right?

Today is cycle day 1. Feeling kind of numb. I'm kind of in limbo--not quite ready for the label of "infertility" and medical intervention, but not really feeling patient either.