Sorry for my absence

Sorry I've been MIA. Just haven't been feeling very inspired. I think my first clomi.d cycle is a bust. I had some good bloodwork results for prog.esterone, but have still started spotting a little bit today. There should still be hope for this cycle, but I'm just not feeling it. Going away for the weekend. Hopefully I'll find some inspiration there.

A prayer for Monday

Thought I would share this from our church bulletin yesterday. It's based on Luke 14: 25-33

Lord of the cross, you call us to follow you. We mouth a "yes" and nod an "okay," but do we know what you've asked us to do?

We're to love you more than others? Some say that cross is too heavy. Still, you compel us to follow, knowing that this cross is too heavy for us to carry alone.

You say, count the cost and consider what discipleship is. Somteimes we squirm and say the cost is too great and the sacrifices too numerous. Still, you compel us to follow.

The cross you ask us to carry is not nearly as heavy as the cross you carried for us. Nevertheless, we complain; and you listen.

We search for an easier alternativel and you watch us. God, help us to admit when we get frustreated by the enormity of discipleship. Extend grace and mercy toward us. Wrap us inside unconditional love. And patiently compel us to follow you again. Amen.

Adapted from a prayer by Dr. Kwasi I. Kena

Starting Clomid

Went to my OBGYN today and he put me on Clomid. Thinks my progesterone is low due to weak ovulation. I've been spotting alot in my luteal phase (which is also kind of short). Will be starting on Sunday. I'm hopeful and glad to be doing something to move forward.

Been holding up pretty well even with all the baby showers last week and with the end of another cycle. At the moment I'm feeling a little bit more peaceful and patient.

Me and the Fertile Dental Hygienist (FDH)

So, I went in for my dental cleaning last week. Here is the scene:

Fertile dental hygienist (FDH): How are you doing?

Sara: Good, how are you?

FDH: I'm great. Lot's has happened since your last cleaning 6 months ago. I got married in June. . .

Sara: That's great. Congratulations.

FDH: . . . and I'm pregnant. I just found out.

Sara: That's so great. I'm so happy for you.

(Sara sits in dental chair, opens mouth wide, and FDH begins to scrape)

FDH: What about y'all? I forget, have you started trying yet?

(FDH takes implements out of Sara's mouth to hear answer)

Sara: Yep, we started trying almost a year ago.

FDH: Oh, I have a friend who was trying for a year and went to the Doctor and got a prescription and before she even got it filled, she found out she was pregnant.

Sara: That's great. I have an appointment in a few weeks, that would be great if it happened to me.

(FDH resumes cleaning)

FDH: I don't know. We weren't even really going to start trying for a year of so, but decided to stop preventing and just see what happens. I guess I'm just a fertile myrtle. I just didn't want to wait a year I guess because I'll be 30 in a year and didn't want to wait that long. How old are you?

Sara: (muffled, trying to speak with dental implements in mouth) Firty-two (33)

FDH: Oh, so you know what I mean. So, do you keep your legs up after sex?

Sara: (muffled) Uh, huh. Tell me about your wedding. (trying to change subject)

FDH: What about stress? Do you and your husband have stressful jobs?

Sara: Actually, no, we're pretty laid back usually.

FDH: Well, you never know. My aunt didn't think she was stressed and tried for 5 years to have a baby. She changed jobs and got pregnant right away.

Sara: Hmmm. So, where did you go on your honeymoon?

FDH: What about caffiene? Do you and your husband drink caffiene?. . . . .

So, lots of fun at the dental hygienist. I was telling my mom about it and she said, "Oh, I ran into so and so and she said you should try taking Geritol". She totally missed the point of my frustration, I guess. Argh!! My husband doesn't really get it either. He said, "Well, she was just trying to help."
Which I know is true, but I mean how uncomfortable can you get? It's not like I could go any where--having to answer all those questions when you can't move and have dental instruments in your mouth was like torture. I can see the humor in it, though, which is why I'm sharing it with all of you.

In other news, I have three baby showers to go to this week.

A disheartening news story

Baby tests positive for cocaine; parents jailed

Saw this news story this morning. The mother admitted to using crack cocaine while breastfeeding. It's just so sad, and it makes me so angry. Cruel for the baby most of all, of course. But, it also feels cruel to me at the moment as I fear this last cycle has failed. It just makes me want to give up. I feel bad even complaining since there are others so much more deserving than me. If this has taught me anything it's that there's no rhyme or reason, no fairness involved in this pursuit. Please forgive the melodrama.

10 things

Tagged by JKH here are 10 things I . . .

Hate: (in no particular order)
talking endlessly about a problem without talking about a solution
my credit card debt
my waist
when people (including me) are smug
when people won't even listen to viewpoints different from theirs
ashamedly a certain gm-in-law
racism
spotting and aunt flo
my own laziness
REALLY hot days like today

Love:
my wonderful DH
staying in bed
my family
my puppy
the mountains in North Carolina
England
Autumn
my church
my friends (near and far)
beautiful gardens

Monday's psalm and some mostly incoherent thoughts

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. 3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. Psalm 1: 1-3 NIV

This discussion is in no way meant to convict others, but I am convicted of recently being a little too self-obsessed. I am spending too much time thinking, not even about building a family and loving a child, but about the status of my reproductive system and my current emotions. In doing so, I am missing opportunities to really be "present" to worship God, love my family and friends, and serve my neighbors.

I am also aware recently of being too much of a "consumer." Not just in the usual sense of the word as buyer or shopper (though I am doing too much of that) but in the sense of taking things in and not producing anything. I'm consuming too many calories, reading on the internet, reading magazines, reading books, watching television and movies, listening to music, etc. In fact, I'm often doing at least two of those things at once. I'm taking in all of that but not doing, writing, speaking, singing, walking, creating, praying nearly enough to balance all of that out. Does that make sense?

A Psalm for Tuesday

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in Your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on Your promises. Hear my voice in accordance with Your love; renew my life, O Lord, according to Your laws....Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten Your law. Defend my cause and redeem me, renew my life according to Your promise....I rejoice in Your promise like one who finds great spoil....May my cry come before You, O Lord; give me understanding according to Your word. May my supplication come before You; deliver me according to Your promise.
Psalm 119:147-149, 153-154, 162, 169-170 NIV

1001 excuses to postpone eating healthy and exercising

Well, maybe not 1001. If I wrote that many, I may have to put down the pint of Blue Bell Cookie Dough ice cream I'm eating. I could stand to lose about 30 pounds. I still think of myself as someone who is into yoga--even though I haven't been to a class in over a year. I also used to be a runner. Now, instead of wearing out running shoes, I'm wearing out my remote, my laptop, and the upholstery on my couch.

General excuses:

It's my grandmother's birthday. There will be cake.

My mother in law brought us ice cream and candy for movie night and there's some leftover.

There's leftover pizza in the fridge, and it would be wasteful not to eat it. (Ok, I guess I have some leftover issues)

I need to make a grocery list, go to the store, and buy some healthy food.

I need to clean out my refrigerator in order to fit all the healthy food.

I deserve comfort food because of insert complaint here.



Cycle related:

I don't want to shock my system and mess up insert cycle event here (ovulation, implantation, etc.).

If I get pregnant this cycle, I won't be able to diet anyway.



Both really poor excuses because eating healthy would probably help my fertility and, if I am so lucky, a pregnancy.



Feel free to add your own excuses to the list.

Warning, melodramatic rant ahead

Feeling low this evening and kind of angry. I'm just tired of wondering what I need to do differently in order to get pregnant. It sometimes seems like every small decision I make will affect my fertility. Should I start/stop taking this supplement? Should I drink/not drink this cup of coffee? Should I make vacation plans or wait and save the money? Should I try not to get my hopes up or should I think positively? It all seems to end in failure no matter what I do. Move the furniture in the bedroom to be more feng shui compliant (as my mother in law suggested)? Just relax *rolls eyes* and be patient, or make an appoinment with the doctor for tests? Arrrgh!!

Something I'm not proud of . . .

Ok, does everyone have that one couple that you feel like you are competing with? I absolutely cannot explain why, but I feel that way with this one couple we are friends with. We've been friends since we were all dating, and I just feel like I have to measure myself against them. Before we were engaged, I thought I would just die if they got engaged before we did--but they didn't. They don't live in town, but we are going to see them soon. We don't even know if they are trying, but I suspect. Now, I'm totally, irrationally worried that they are going to get pregnant before we do. I know that's so awful. What would that have to do with us? Why wouldn't I just be happy for them? Anyway, just thought I'd share that thorn in my side.

This is a song by Leigh Nash, formerly of Sixpence None the Richer. It's not really about trying to conceive, but it is about longing. Hope you enjoy.

So, I've been living in approximately 29 day increments for almost the last year. Each cycle filled with hope, day dreaming, planning, and then agonizing, nail-biting, and finally disappointment. When I make future plans, like travel plans for a wedding months away, I think about how far along I will be if I get pregnant this cycle. Then I think, surely I'll be pregnant by then, right?

Today is cycle day 1. Feeling kind of numb. I'm kind of in limbo--not quite ready for the label of "infertility" and medical intervention, but not really feeling patient either.